How difficult can clapping in unison be? Well, the mayor of Beijing has decided that he wants China to be an exemplary model of conduct at the 2008 Olympics and ensure that clapping is at the top of the menu.
It emerged in The Telegraph last week that the political leader has organised a nationwide scheme to teach the Chinese to be the perfect spectators through Olympic Cheering Practice. The city’s official trade union running the regimented course is conducting classes in hand-clapping, scarf-waving and balloon banging.
The move comes after worrying memories resurfaced of the football fiasco in the 2004 Asian Cup final hosted by the Chinese capital. Having lost out to Japan, the furious Chinese fans swarmed around the opposition’s bus, hurled bottles and stones at it, fought with police and generally produced a scene worthy of a Saturday evening in many an English city in the 90’s, minus the kebab meat.
So, cue the Chinese Behaviour Busters. The squad are travelling around the country touring factories, community centres and even old people’s homes. Just imagine. Picture a load of wizened little Chinese spinsters frantically flapping their arms and stoically stamping their feet to the beat of a drum. They must be having a ball.
Perhaps the British could help. We could send a troop from the Territorial Army to trot across the globe and divulge a few tips on our very own national sport, the art of the orderly queue. This is a phenomenon which has both baffled and bemused people from all over the world but would nevertheless guarantee a very organised 2008 Olympics. And then in turn, perhaps the Chinese could teach the Brits some of their newly acquired footy fan skills, like how not to repeatedly spit globules of alcohol-laced saliva every which way but loose.
The newly created Temper Team is also taking it upon itself to create a showcase of 20 different songs for the sporting spectators to choose from and chant. Maybe our own country’s rugby fans should take a leaf out of the Chinese sporting manual and fill Wembley with more than just a highly energetic but somewhat repetitive first line of Swing Low, Sweet Chariot.
What does worry me just a little is the thought of a mass of Chinese fans persistently bleating the same words, insistently producing the same movements and determinedly staying in complete unison. It may appear a little intimidating and army-like to say the least.
Yet come August, Bejing will be awash with an all-singing, all-dancing cast of sports spectators who don’t smoke, don’t swear, don’t throw litter and who queue for a beer. Now where’s the fun in that?
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