Colonising the Costas.

Three quarters of a million Brits now live in Spain. Perhaps, for a collection of Spaniards, a figure three quarters of a million too high.

Brian Hanrahan’s report on Growing Old in Spain for the BBC Six O’Clock News yesterday evening succinctly summed up the problems faced by the generation who fled to paellas new a decade or two ago. Now, forced to face the inevitable but without the necessary care, family support or linguistic know-how, the Brits abroad are considering returning home.

Why the surprise? Did these people really think that the magical Iberian mix of sun, sea and sand, or perhaps more accurately sangria, socks n’ sandals would render them invincible to the natural decline of their own unforgiving biological clock?

Age Concern have been sending nursing care across the water to the land of bull fights and boleros in order to “warn” the brotherhood of Brits Abroad of the problems of growing old. As shown in the documentary, bizarrely enough, they are exactly the same as those faced in good ol’ England. Well click my castanets and call me Manolo.

So how do our continental compadres cope? The fact of the matter is that the family unit in Spain is numero uno. For a Spaniard, it is incomprehensible that bread-winning offspring would contribute to the weekly bill whilst living at home. It is inconceivable that the whole extended family would not assemble daily for a two hour lunch that can only be described as a gastronomical assault of astronomical proportions. It is above all inexplicable that a granny with a dodgy hip replacement be callously tossed into a care home.

However, for all their effusive hospitality and gregarious presence, the Spaniards are unlikely to welcome an ageing Anglo-Saxon into the heart of their home. There is only so far the phrase “mi casa tu casa” will stretch. Spaniards naturally assume their own sproglets would come up trumps when the need arises. The sad reality is that the community of elderly ex-pats is thus forced to rely on itself to avoid paying for private nursing.

So, the moral of the story? Think long and hard before you fly, buy and cry out “where is my Carers’ Allowance, my benefits entitlement and my State help?” The Spanish people are beginning to realise that the financial burden of supporting a community of ex-pat Brits is not their responsibility. The British people, faced with incomparable medical care and financial aid from the Spanish State, and without their own family support, are beginning to consider migrating. Growing old is not always graceful, and no amount of sunshine or sangria can solve that.