Are you feeling SAD?

5 o’clock and it may as well be midnight. Ok, so I did manage to get an extra hour in bed last weekend, but for this? Now people are talking about having different time zones for Scotland and England. The argument for this is that the land of kilts and bare bottoms would benefit from more hours of sunshine.

But worship the sun too much and you’re in deep trouble. Over-exposure to the unforgiving ultra-violent rays of nature’s own lightbulb results in skin damage and possibly cancer. Those Soltan ads are enough to turn anyone nocturnal. Yet a lack of golden sunbeams and people mope about, a shadow of their former selves, gloomy and grey in the face.

Kids are pleased to hear that they don’t have to hold their little noses and shovel ladlefuls of Pop Eye’s preferred snack into their little mouths in order to get their daily Vitamin D top-up. Simply sitting outside in the sunshine for twenty minutes a day will do the trick. But what happens when the sun inconsiderately, yet persistently goes on annual leave and refuses to return? It’s all well and good for you to rise and shine with a bowl of Kellogg’s Cornflakes and that infuriatingly chirpy cockerel, but what if the garishly grinning sun has resigned?

I have no doubt that I suffer from SAD, seasonal affective disorder, and not sale absence disorder, which could also be the case. Grey skies and I refuse to brave the great outdoors. For me, the cold poses no threat. I will happily cavort around in minus zero temperatures all day long so long as the sun is beaming down on me, and I have a barrel of vin chaud waiting for me on the other side.

In fact, thinking about it, I am very tempted to blame my Mediterranean-blooded mother for this constant nagging necessity for the sun’s rays. Then again, perhaps it had something to do with my particular experience of childhood songs. My dad was forever bellowing “The sun has got his hat on,” and endlessly humming “You are my sunshine” on a loop. I lived my life thinking that never-ending sunshine equalled frolicking in the daisies and a bunch of deliriously happy individuals. Slight problem in a land when the sun comes out for about 3 days a year.

It goes without saying that when the sun is out, people are generally happier. Not only that, but bolstered by the fact that, as every girl knows, naturally tanned (NOT orange) skin is the best accessory for any outfit.

As a toddler, you never wanted to be the kid chosen to pin the weather sticker on the board when it was an unhappy cloud with unhappier raindrops plopping down. You wanted to be chosen on the day that had the big smiley sun sticker.

So how to combat this dreaded SAD? On the news the other day was an item about people sticking their heads under a funny-looking blanket and being blasted with a beam of coloured light. Now this clearly sounds like utter bunkum.

I think an easier, cheaper and far less embarrassing solution would be to hop on an Easyjet flight to Marbella and soak up the rays down south along with all the other fine specimens of Britishness. And maybe it’s no bad thing that Helios seems to have utterly abandoned us. Because after all, there’s only one thing worse than beautiful Spanish beaches plagued by loud-mouthed larger louts. And that’s British beaches plagued by them.